


Qui-Gon Jinn's Savior

by metalhamster



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Crack, Deliberate Badfic, F/M, Gen, Gratuitous Violence, Humor, awkward Mary Sue romance, exploding Siths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 00:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6832051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metalhamster/pseuds/metalhamster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A lost episode from the life of the bravest and sexiest Jedi in the Galaxy! Action! Adventure! Romance! All the good stuff, with none of the bad, now in one single, fun-packed fic!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Qui-Gon Jinn's Savior

Qui-Gon Jinn, the elderly Jedi Master, was trudging tiredly through the woods. He was very sad because after he had been almost killed by the evil Darth Maul, he was forced into hiding, and nobody knew that he was really alive. ’My poor Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Master Yoda, Shmi and Jedi friends!’, he mused to himself gloomily.

The experienced Jedi Master now stopped abruptly! He became suspicious of his surroundings because there was a disturbance in the Force!

"I have a bad feeling about this," he whispered to himself.........

Suddenly, ten cannibal droids jumped out of the bushes! Every one of them held four blaster pistols in each hand, aimed directly at Qui-Gon Jinn's chest! But they had no idea who they were dealing with. Because Qui-Gon Jinn, in spite of his simple looks, was the boldest and smartest Jedi that has ever lived. He closed his eyes deeply to be united with the living Force. Then, he jumped ten feet in the air while spinning so fast that the laser beams all missed! He arrived back on the ground in such a way that his brave lightsaber skewered the nine common droids all at once! The puny mechanical beings exploded immediately without a _roger roger_! The treacherous droid bandit leader didn't even have time to take a breath, his head got lopped off right away by the blade of the valiant Jedi! Down fell the bloodthirsty ruffian, now reduced to a smoking, rusty wreckage!

Qui-Gon Jinn wiped his sword in his robes and let out a weary, masculine sigh. In this moment, however, the detached head of the droid boss suddenly jerked up, and before the exhausted Jedi Master could have leapt away, bit him sneakily in the leg! Then it dropped dead again. A deep bloody gash opened up on Qui-Gon Jinn's leg. The brilliant Jedi knew that he didn't have much time left, but he pressed on anyway because he had to hold out for the sake of the Galaxy. His mighty strength diminished rapidly until he was so weak from the blood loss that he could only crawl. But then, when he was almost dead, he suddenly caught sight of a small hut ahead of him. With an immense Force-effort, he dragged himself into the stable that stood next to the hut. Then, with his last drop of strength, he fainted.

*

When he came to his senses, his leg wasn't hurting anymore, and a kind and intelligent Twi'lek girl was kneeling beside him wearing a pretty leather outfit.

"Worry not!" she said in a melodious voice. "Everything is going to be fine. I've wrapped your wound in bandages and healed you. My name is Nílah. Who are you, heroic warrior?"

"Sadly, I cannot reveal my name since the fate of the entire Galaxy depends upon maintaining my secrecy. But I can see in your eyes that you stand on the shiny side of the Force, and that you fight the good fight as well, so I will tell you. I'm Qui-Gon Jinn, the Jedi Master. Everybody thinks I'm dead, but in reality, I'm on a secret mission."

"Here, have a bite of this midi-chlorian pie! I've baked it for you. When you're feeling better, I'll lend you one of my banthas so you can continue your journey faster."

With these words, Nílah gracefully turned away as if her heart had suddenly been gripped by sorrow. The Jedi Master's sharp eyes caught on this, but he was even more surprised by the other statement that was said a little earlier.

"Midi-chlorian pie...? Nílah, how did you know that's my favourite?"

"I... I didn't... it's just that... it's _my_ favourite as well!" the kind-hearted Nílah cried in amazement. Qui-Gon was gazing at the young maiden with wide, questioning eyes, and she was gazing right back at him. This cannot be a mere coincidence...

In this moment however, a deafening noise was to be heard from above! Startled, they turned their heads upward! The roof of the stable opened with a loud rumble, and gigantic laser cannons emerged from behind it!

"It is over for you, Qui-Gon Jinn! There's no escape, ha ha ha ha!" a familiar-sounding voice shrieked from overhead. Qui-Gon and Nílah stared at each other in disbelief!

"Senator Palpatine!!" they cried out in unison. "But... how can this be??" they asked this in unison as well.

"Indeed... _but more like..._ Darth Sidious!" the evil senator and Sith Knight screeched. "For years I've been working against the Republic! And now, on the orders of my Master, you fools will die!!!"

His ugly face was blazing with hate as he aimed the cannons at them! The deadly red light was just about to be shot from the barrel of the merciless weapon! But Qui-Gon Jinn and Nílah didn't give up all hope yet. The Jedi Master lifted his hand as quick as lightning, and with the great power of the Force, turned back the laser beam that was fired in that very millisecond! The lethal ray richocheted right back into the dangerous cannon, short-circuiting it! The now useless blaster weapon began to emit blinding flashes of extremely fast electric currents that struck the nefarious Sith Knight right in the heart! The wicked Darth Sidious was screaming in terror as his eyes began to glow red, his electrified hair was pointing in all directions and his whole body was twitching in agony! But there was no escape! He was burned alive in a second by the super-strong electricity! Soon, the malicious Sith Knight was nothing but a smoldering pile of ashes!

"We've got no time to waste," Qui-Gon Jinn said. "We must go to Coruscant right away to warn the Galaxy of the phantom menace! But..." he trailed off suddenly as the flame of hope almost flickered out in his heart, "how do we get hold of a spasechip?"

"Don't worry!" Nílah comforted him with gentle words. "I have a spaceship. I haven't used it for a long time because I had to stay hidden, too... But now, the time has finally come!"

They descended to the cellar, which was really a secret grotto with mysterious damp walls and scary noises, caused by who knows what... But Qui-Gon Jinn and Nílah weren't afraid because their hearts were equally brave, and they knew that the fate of the entire Galaxy depended on them now. In a snap, they jumped into the spaceship, and set out to Coruscant. While Nílah was driving, Qui-Gon Jinn was standing guard with his lightsaber drawn out, in case they get attacked by voracious space monsters. All the while they were chatting like they were old friends. Little did they know that more perils were awaiting them... When they arrived at Coruscant, they saw that the poor planet was completely surrounded by star destroyers!

"Qui-Gon," Nílah called out to him. "If you can hold them for a few minutes, I can maneuver so that we reach ground right at the Jedi Temple!"

"All right, Nílah! You can count on me!" the daring Jedi replied, while he also took a moment to take note of how the young Twi'lek woman accidentally addressed him in such an intimate manner... or perhaps it was no accident?? But in this moment, the star destroyers turned toward them and began to fire! Qui-Gon Jinn, thanks to his sharpened Jedi reflexes, sensed the laser beams as they were speeding toward the ship, and parried all of them with swift movements! Deadly ray beams were exploding in dazzling bursts of sparkles all over the place! But the star destroyers were getting closer and closer! Nílah was desperately trying to get out of their way! The graceful Twi'lek girl was maneuvering as fast as lightning, which saved their lives several times! But not even this was enough! The laser beams were slamming closer to them with every second! The space could barely be seen anymore among the blinding rain of the death rays! But just when it looked like all hope was lost, the wise and fearless Qui-Gon Jinn closed his eyes philosophically, and started to concentrate. He felt the Force pervading his entire body. He directed the Force beams into his palms and opened up his arms! In this very moment, the star destroyers came to a screeching halt and couldn't move any further! The seasoned Jedi Master were holding them back with enormous concentration, aided by the nice side of the Force! But he was at the end of his strength...!!

"Nílah, now!" he cried out with a last, desperate effort. The severity of the situation registered instantly with his intelligent and also beautiful companion, and she sprung into action without a moment of hesitation! She spared none of her skillful space mastery as she was quickly piloting the ship toward the safe surface of the planet! Her keen eyes caught sight of the Jedi Temple immediately, and she made a daring hairpin turn to arrive there faster! But this valiant maneuvering was too much for the spaceship, which sped up so much that it became impossible to pilot anymore! The whole body of the ship started to glow and heat up from the friction! The surface of the planet Coruscant was coming at them with blinding speed! The Jedi Master and the Twi'lek girl knew that they must escape immediately, or else it is all over!

"Hold onto my waist!" Qui-Gon Jinn called out to Nílah! The nimble young Twi'lek took his muscular waist into a tight embrace, while he was holding the lithe maiden firmly with his strong arms. They were in mortal peril, but Nílah wasn't afraid because she knew for sure that Qui-Gon Jinn would protect her from every danger that may come. They started to count down while they were straining all of their muscles! The very moment they arrived to zero, they quickly leapt out of the window just before the spaceship crashed and exploded behind them in a gigantic fireball! Being propelled by the power of the explosion, they arrived right on the balcony of the Jedi Temple with an acrobatic mid-air flip! The members of the Jedi Council, who were chatting there peacefully, heard the tremendous blast and all turned around. And there, on top of the railing, with long heroic hair, manly flowing cape and weather-bitten scars was posing the great and handsome Jedi Knight long thought to be dead........................... Qui-Gon Jinn!!!

"Master! You’re alive!" the young padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi exclaimed and hugged him emotionally.

"Yes, my young padawan," Qui-Gon smiled at him serenely. "But there's no time for celebrating! The leader of the Sith is lurking among us, and he can swoop down on the Galaxy in any minute!"

"Yes, Master! I've already sent for Anakin, Padmé and Jar Jar, they will be here soon so that we can warn everyone!"

Exactly in this moment, the aforementioned three people joined them excitedly. The brilliant young Skywalker, the former Queen of Naboo and the helpful Gungan senator all gave a warm welcome to their old friend.

"Listen to me!" Qui-Gon Jinn turned to the awestruck Jedi Council. "We have defeated the treacherous Darth Sidious, who had been disguising himself as the benevolent Senator Palpatine! But his Master is still alive! If we don't catch him in time, the whole Galaxy will fall under his dark rule!"

Suddenly, in this moment, the previously so innocent Jar Jar went through a frightening transformation! A slimy black cape trailed out from under his normal clothes and his voice distorted into a vile gurgle!

"Jar Jar! What is happening to you?" Padmé asked, surprised.

"Jar Jar, yes… _or rather…_ Darth Binks, ruler of the Sith!" the Gungan cackled in a shrill voice! He swiftly pulled on his deviously hanging earlobes, which turned into glowing red lightsabers!

"Behold, the Gungan superweapon!" the amphibian Sith Lord yelled malevolently. "With this ingenious invention, soon I will rule the entire Galaxy! And the Jedi will pay!!"

The brave Jedi drew out their lightsabers and promptly attacked the aggressive Darth Binks! But the Lord of the Sith was spinning faster than lightning, and his murderous two-bladed head-lightsaber was cutting down mercilessly everyone who was foolish enough to come too close to him! The weapon was invincible! Despite throwing all of their secret powers at him, the heroic Jedi couldn't even stand a chance against the mighty Sith Lord!

"Nílah!" Qui-Gon Jinn called out to his clever companion, while he was swiftly parrying the deathly blows from the evil red lightsabers. "When I wave my hand... trip the enemy!"

The sensible Twi'lek girl caught on to the brilliant plan at once, and swiftly nodded. The talented Qui-Gon Jinn then became one with the Force, and waved his hand! In that exact moment, Nílah lashed out with her fearless tentacles and held them out in front of Darth Binks' whirling legs! The careless Sith Lord was grasping at the air in a panic, but to no avail! His legs tripped up on the powerful appendages, and fell helplessly to the ground along with their master! Qui-Gon Jinn Force pulled the bad lightsabers off his head straight away and held onto them firmly.

"Clever... very clever..." the Sith Lord growled, grinding his teeth maliciously. "But let's see if you can parry... _this!!_ "

With these words, Darth Binks lifted one hand, making malevolent secret motions with it! The valiant Jedi watched in horror as the vicious Sith Lord took an innocent planet out of its orbit, navigating it right at them!

"Now, I'm going to drop this planet on you so you will all die! Especially _you_ , Qui-Gon Jinn! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Where is the wise Master Yoda?" the frightened Jedi were asking from each other. "Only he can help us now! But where could he be???"

The other planet was coming closer with every second! They could even hear the panicked screams of the poor martians living on it! It was only fifty feet away from Coruscant! Then only twenty feet! Only ten feet! Only five feet...!! But just then, Qui-Gon Jinn, the quickest Jedi of them all, grabbed little Anakin, and with lightning reflexes, posted him on the exact spot where the two planets were just about to collide with each other! The talented ex-slave boy was holding up the enormous alien object with his cranium straight and proud!

"Hold on, Anakin! May the Force be with you!" the Jedi cheered him on enthusiastically.

"This damn kid is too strong..." the ruthless Darth Binks grumbled, disappointed. "There's only one solution: to neutralize him... forever!"

The desperate Sith Lord then leapt to the little prodigy, and using the dark side of the Force, he wrestled him out of his former place as quick as thought! The extraterrestial planet began to fall down on Coruscant once again! It was only two feet away, when Qui-Gon Jinn, using the bright side of the Force, came upon a brilliant and life-saving idea! As a last resort, he pulled out his lightsaber, and placed it at the exact same spot where Anakin was standing a moment ago! The majestic weapon, aided by the Force, was separating the two colliding planets with superhuman effort!

"If you take out your sword, the two planets will crash into each other, and everyone will die! Now, you can only watch powerlessly as I violently kidnap the talented young Skywalker! By the time he returns, he will be the evilest, most nefarious Sith Lord the Galaxy has ever seen! Nothing can stop me now! MWAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!" The vicious Darth Binks let out a mad cackle as he was preparing to leave! But in this moment, Anakin suddenly interrupted!

"Mistaken you are, villain! Defeat the Light, the Dark Side never can!"

And while the confused Sith Lord could only blink in surprise, the young Skywalker pulled the boy-shaped mask off his head to reveal the face of.................. Master Yoda, the Chief Jedi!!!

"Master Yoda!" the Jedi Council cried out happily in unison.

"No… no… this cannot be!" the wicked Darth Binks screamed, gasping for air.

"Yes, Binks! Anakin Skywalker, I am! For long years living in this disguise on Tatooine, I have been. That you the leader of the Sith are, I always knew. Thus, Qui-Gon Jinn with the task of getting us together, I appointed, so that do away with you, I can. And now, evildoer, begone... forever!"

The powerful Jedi Master then quickly took hold of the panicked Sith Knight with the good side of the Force! The humiliated villain could only flail around impotently in the crushing grip of the Light! The experienced old Master then raised his hand to the Sun with a simple graceful motion, and launched the malevolent Darth Binks into it with all his might!

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" the Gungan Sith Lord howled as he was falling into the Sun! As he crashed into its center, huge spectacular fireworks erupted from it with dazzling flames and colourful sparkles! The evil Darth Binks was finally done for!

"Darth Binks? _More like..._ Darth _Stinks_!" Obi-Wan Kenobi whooped as he winked sexily at the camera. Those on the good side of the Force bursted into a joyful laughter since everything turned out well, thanks to the brave heroes.

"Through our valiant collective effort, defended the Darkness threatening the Galaxy, we have!" Master Yoda said wisely. "So happy, this makes me, that to allow the Jedi to marry and fall in love, and also to have kids, I decided, because deserve it, they do. Love each other, because the most important part of the Force, this is, and rule in the Universe, peace shall."

The Jedi Council was listening in awe to the deep words of the oldest Jedi Master, then broke out in vociferous cheers. They threw a magnificent festive party, where they invited Boba Fett as well, who was enjoying himself so much that he made peace with them and didn’t want to kill them anymore. Obi-Wan Kenobi married the beautiful Padmé Amidala, and together they returned to Naboo where they became king and queen, but now permanently. Yoda married Shmi, who was also a secret agent, and they went back to work together on Tatooine. R2-D2 and C3-PO could finally get together as well. Everybody was very happy, and peace reigned throughout the Galaxy.

Qui-Gon Jinn stepped tenderly to the beautiful Nílah, who blushed in a very feminine way. The sun was setting right behind them, and their hair and tentacles were flowing romantically in the wind.

"I have never met a girl as brave and smart as you, Nílah," the courageous Jedi Master said, now somehow curiously shy... "My life is empty without you…"

Nílah smiled at him, and they kissed each other lovingly! The heroic Jedi Master then married the lovely Twi'lek girl, and they lived happily ever after!

 

THE END


End file.
